There's no doubt that Zack Attack, Turkey Sub and the rest of Jack Black's School of
Rock protégés raised the goblet of rock and kicked some ass. But
pre-pubescent rockers are nothing new. In fact, all the masters - Little Stevie
Wonder, Donnie Osmond, Shirley Temple - shook their moneymakers and shook it hard.
So how do the rest stack up? As the Conspiracy finds out, the kids are mostly alright.
— Kevin J. Siu
"They'll take your monaaaay..."
Christ, I could use a smoke
OK, Pizza Man
Punk rock at any age
Changed the game
Chillin' in the pizzark
Livin' la vida monobrow since 1977
A.C. Slater, yo
"Anyone seen Tito?"
The Zit Remedy
Joey Jeremiah, Wheels, Snake... rock 'n' f'n roll! In the tradition of all the greats,
they wrote one classic fist-pumping anthem, "Everybody Wants Something", and
played it to death.
Rock-O-Meter: 11
The Langley Schools Music Project
The inspiration for School Of Rock: A '70s vanity recording of school kids playing
modern pop that was reissued to critical acclaim in 2001. Fans cite the otherworldliness
of their rendition of "Space Oddity", but check out the joy in "Help Me, Rhonda". It's an
aural document of that brief window when singing your heart out is still cooler than
bumming smokes behind the bleachers.
Rock-O-Meter: 10
Chilly Kids
Their one fab Sugarhill single, "At The Ice Arcade", time-capsuled not one,
but two quintessential '80s fads and they rocked the racial unity before Dre and Eminem.
Plus, their masterful disco-meets-B-52s sound predated Junior Senior by almost two
decades. Right on, Chilly Kids!
Rock-O-Meter: 8.5
Old Skull
Nine year-olds playing skatecore are totally rad. What they lacked in chops they made
up for with an eagerness to tackle the tough issues: homelessness ("Homeless"), AIDS
("AIDS"), poorly grilled hot dogs ("Hot Dog Hell"). Their second album, 1992's C.I.A.
Drug Fest, was equally world-weary, with songs like "Welcome To The Pissing Pot"
and "Pizza Man", which featured the refrain "Oh, Pizza Man, if you are late / You will
give it to me for free / OK, Pizza Man, here's your tip / A bullet to the head."
Rock-O-Meter:8
Kris Kross
You probably remember "Jump" and "Warm It Up", but "I Missed The Bus" was the
track that definitively captured the pre-adolescent experience. Consider: "Now I'm
hopin' to myself everything is cool / Standin' on my block like a fool." We've all
been there. Plus, Daddy Mack and Mack Daddy wore their clothes backwards, which is
punk rock at any age.
Rock-O-Meter: 7.5
Jordy
Talk about peaking early: Jordy was four when "Dur Dur d'être Bébé" hit #1 in France
in 1992. He recorded one more album by age six and then was banned from French
radio and TV amid charges of child exploitation. The Lew Alcindor of kiddie pop,
Jordy LeMoine changed the game. (According to one fan site, the now 15-year old Jordy
likes techno and dirt bikes and lives on a farm.)
Rock-O-Meter: 7
Another Bad Creation
ABC had a cynical moniker but hearts of gold. Check out the tenderness of "Iesha" ("We
played Nintendo / This was her very first date / I didn't wanna make it seem too fly / We ate
cereal / She couldn't stay out late") or the non-frontin' izzy-hizzy of "Playground" ("Into the
Mizzark / chillin' in the pizzark / I gotta break 'cuz my mother said / be home by dizzark").
Rock-O-Meter: 6.5
Lil' Romeo / Lil' Bow Wow
For a while Lil' Romeo vs. Lil' Bow Wow threatened to be the new Tupac-Biggie.
Thank god they squashed that. (Admittedly, it hasn't been the same since BW lost the Lil'.)
Rock-O-Meter: 5.5
Menudo
What Latin explosion? Menudo were livin' la vida loca in 1977. Most North American
kids, though, remember them from their appearances on '80s Saturday morning TV.
Revisiting their seminal album Reaching Out - with its paeans to motorcycles
and Indianapolis - I'm not sure why their posters were on our walls. Fun fact: menudo is a
Mexican tripe soup.
Rock-O-Meter: 5
Kids Incorporated
It was no Mickey Mouse Club, but Disney's Kids Incorporated still
boasted hot talent like Martika and Jennifer Love Hewitt over its nine year run.
And lest we forget, Mario Lopez - A.C. Slater, yo - was the Kids Inc dancer.
Rock-O-Meter: 3
Hanson
The next Jackson Five, my ass. Isaac, Taylor and Zac couldn't even sniff Tito's banana
seat. I know somebody's going to come back at me with, "Yeah, but 'Mmmbop'." Yeah,
but "Mmmbop" mmmsucked. Hanson's saving grace was when they got old and gawky, like
you knew they would.
Rock-O-Meter: 2.5
Kidz Bop
Bowdlerized top 40 hits so that your kids can enjoy Nelly and Pink without the swears.
But here's the shocker: Lead vocals are handled by adults, with the Kidz Bop Kids
pitching in only during choruses (and sounding eerily like The
Polyphonic Spree). Come on, even the Mini-Pops rocked their own
vocals! Let the kids sing, you gloryhounds. That said, their
rendition of "Who Let The Dogs Out" is majestic.
Rock-O-Meter: 0.5